Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Bar Room Arguments

by Schreck

For centuries, the most inane debates have taken place at the bar.

Why? You gotta do something while you drink.

Here's some of my favorites and the correct positions to take.

Ginger or Mary Ann--Easy, Mary Ann. Ginger is a stuck up beauty queen. Mary Ann is the hot girl-next-store who you know will try harder and has been smoldering her whole life.

Is golf a sport? No, it is not. I don't care if it's hard. Billiards is hard. Darts is hard. I don't care if Tiger can bench his weight. It's something rich guys do to try to be cool. They fail.

Is NASCAR a sport? No, but it's cooler than golf. NASCAR actually grew out of the Prohibition rum runners. That makes it cool. But driving a car fast doesn't make something a sport.

Boxing or MMA? Both. They're different and not a threat to each other. No, they aren't.

Namath or Marino? Namath is one of the coolest guys ever. He's almost as cool as Elvis. Marino does weight loss commercials.

The Beatles or Elvis? Easy. Elvis came first. There were four Beatles. Elvis was the Beatles's hero. Elvis was a black belt. Elvis looked cool in jumpsuits.

Jennifer Anniston or Courtney Cox? This one's too personal for me for obvious reasons.

Boxers or briefs? Briefs. Boxers ride up and fail to give adequate support. Alternative answer: Commando.

Jordan or LeBron? Who cares?

Designated hitter? No. The pitcher should have to bat. "Tough" guys like Roger Clemens wouldn't be so "tough" if they had to stand in the box while some coward through a ball at him.

Clinton or Bush? Easy, Clinton. Bill was an Elvis fan. Bush the first, made fun of him for that. When the Bushs screwed up people died in goofy wars. When Bill screwed up he got a blow job.

And finally...

Yankees or Red Sox? Yankees. Why? Because the Red Sox suck.

Schreck blogs daily at


Keith Raffel said...

Tom, I'm a Giants fan, but didn't the Bosox win 2 World Series in the last five years to the Yanks one? How could they suck then? Also, you might get a few more readers here if you told us the truth about you and Jen. We can keep a secret.

Tim Maleeny said...

Actually I can't keep a secret, but perhaps you could explain why studios keep putting Jen in their films when clearly she is suited for the small screen of TV and not the big screen of a Hollywood movie. Once your major source of fame comes from the tabloids, viewers can't get past that "it's her" reflex that shatters any credibility might she have had in that role. Break it to her gently, Shreck, but somebody's got to tell her, and you're just the man to deliver bad news to a beautiful woman...

Tom Schreck said...

Keith, Tim,

These are such awkward conversations to have. She gets, I don't know, so needy.

Then the night's ruined.

Tim Maleeny said...

You are such a predictable, selfish's like looking in a mirror sometimes.

Deborah Sharp said...

I'd leave a comment, but I'm still too troubled by the concept of commando.
Fun post, Tom.

M Pax said...

Ahh, Elvis.

I have to agree on golf. Seems a nice way to get out in the sun. Maybe it's because I stink at it. My mother's friends didn't think it neat I hit a traffic cone, a fence and one of them.

Beth Groundwater said...

Sorry, Tom, I'm a boxers fan myself--on men, that is. ;-)

jennymilch said...

You forgot to ask why are we here. That's the one I was waiting for.

Oh wait, is that not bar talk?

Darrell James said...

Beatles, Courtney, Jordan, Clinton... hey, a guy's gotta take a stand! Enjoyed the post, Tom.

G.M. Malliet said...

That bra-made-of-steel look...thank God those days are over.