Who's Going to Tell Carl Hiaasen?

By Deborah Sharp

I'm hiding out from Carl Hiaasen.

I fear that at any moment, the doorbell will chime or my phone will ring and it'll be the famous Miami Herald columnist turned zillion-seller mystery novelist turned author of award-winning kids' books. He'll want to challenge me to a smack-down, which I could not possibly win. Wouldn't even try. Hell, I'll give it up right now. It's over, Hiaasen. I'm throwing in the towel.

Your crown is safe, sir. I am not, nor have I ever been, ''Florida's Funniest Mystery Writer.''

I attribute the whole misunderstanding to over-enthusiasm on the part of the press-release writers from Nova Southeastern University. Either that, or they were smoking some really good dope. They used that Florida's Funniest phrase to tout my recent appearance at the campus near Fort Lauderdale. Even worse, the words weren't buried somewhere deep in the release. They were right in the headline, all the easier for the search engines to find.

Go ahead. Google ''Floridas Funniest Mystery Writer,'' no apostrophe. See who comes up. Hint: It's not Mr. Hiaasen.

I won't deny there are some chuckles and a few belly laughs in my Mace Bauer Mystery series, featuring Mace's wacky mama. But I can think of a quick list of Florida mystery writers who are funnier than me:

1. Hiaasen, of course
2. Bob Morris
3. Tim Dorsey
4. Elaine Viets

I won't go on . . . why humiliate myself further?

So, there it is. I'm Florida's Funniest Mystery Writer. It says so on the Internet. And as any of the Girls Gone Wild can tell you, once something's on the Internet, it never goes away.

Unless, that is, Hiaasen finds me for that smack-down, and he's carrying a golf club. A very big club. I get pounded, and a bunch of new headlines pop up to lower the press release's standing. I can see it now: "Florida's Funniest Mystery Writer Injured. Former Title-Holder Charged.''

How about you, authors? Ever had hype that's hard to live up to? Or, do you subscribe to the ''any publicity is good publicity'' argument? Readers, ever been disappointed by over-hype?

Guest Blogger Elaine Viets

G.M. Malliet

Elaine Viets, author of two national bestselling mystery series, is our guest blogger today at Inkspot.

Publishers Weekly called Elaine's Dead-End Job series “wry social commentary.”

“Killer Cuts,” her new Dead-End Job mystery, is about the intimate relationship many women have with their stylists. Her Josie Marcus mystery shopper series is set in Elaine’s hometown, St. Louis.

Elaine has won the Agatha, Anthony and Lefty Awards.

Today she asks, "Is the book signing dead?"

Premature Burial?

I’ve finally unpacked from a book tour that started April 30 in Arlington, Virginia, and ended two weeks ago at Ponte Vedra, in northeast Florida.

I’m not the only author asking that question. Some say it’s already been answered. Here’s why:
Publishers are cutting back on book tours, even for successful authors.

Fewer bookstores are holding signings. They’re expensive. The stores have to spend money for publicity, signs and staff. When the books don’t sell, stores have the extra cost of returning and/or stripping stock.

Failed book signings cost us writers, too. If we only sell five or six books, it doesn’t pay for our gas and takes us away from the computer.

We know, unless we’re literary rock stars, like Charlaine Harris or Stephen King, we probably won’t draw a huge crowd. Readers can watch TV, see a movie, even sit by the pool. Why pay $25 for a hardcover or buy a paperback for $7, the price of a six-pack – when books and movies are free at the library?

As e-books grow in popularity, book signings may disappear. It’s hard to autograph an e-book.
Right. And computers created the paperless office. That’s why I can barely find my wheezing word processor under the manuscripts, first drafts and letters on my landfill of a desk.
Let’s not hold a funeral for book signings yet.

Yes, I gripe about signings. I’m discouraged if I get a poor turnout. But I’d miss them. I’m a part-time hermit. I need to get away from people while I write. For four to six months, I stare at the computer and live on canned tuna. It’s a sorry life when the cat is howling for my lunch.

But when the book is done, I emerge from my cave for five or six weeks. That’s when I meet readers and talk to the booksellers who hand-sell my novels.

For me, signings are a celebration. My fifth Dead-End Job mystery, “Murder Unleashed,” was my first hardcover. It was launched with a party at Bone Appetit, the Fort Lauderdale dog boutique where I’d researched this job. In St. Louis, at a benefit signing at Three Dog Bakery, we had a “Best Dressed Dog” contest. A Lab in a hula skirt won. Personally, all Labs do the hula when they wag their tails.

Murder by the Book, the independent Houston store, invited Caring Critters, a volunteer group who bring their dogs to hospitals and other institutions. This was the only book tour where half my makeup was licked off by the end of the signings.

You miss those experiences when you download an ebook.

Now signings are evolving into events with presold books.

Joanne Sinchuk, founder of Murder on the Beach in Delray Beach, Florida, has author luncheons. Joanne partners with two nearby restaurants for fixed-price lunches. A group of 20 or more – often a charity, literary or social club – makes reservations with Joanne. For $25 or $32, each person gets lunch and a paperback.

The group goes to lunch first. Then I join them for the author talk.

Another local indie, Well-Read Books, has a similar program. For $35, the readers get lunch and a signed copy of “Killer Cuts,” my latest hardback.

A traditional author luncheon eats half my day. The new ones take less of my time. I live half an hour from the stores. I show up after the lunch, give my talk, sign the books, then go home.

Some writers say it’s not worthwhile to sell 20 or 30 paperbacks. But I have eleven novels in my backlist, and these talks keep them moving. The mystery Joanne Sinchuk features most often, “Shop Till You Drop,” is now in its twelfth printing.

Photo is of Elaine and Lulu, the "Murder Unleashed" dog.

After Malice

What could be better than Malice? With great panels, meeting old friends and making new, and the wonderful Berkley dinner, Malice is a tough act to follow. However, the folks at the Mystery Lovers Bookstore in Oakmont, PA, did just that. Each year on the Monday after Malice, they put on the Festival of Mystery.

I'd heard about this mythical one day event last time I was at Malice. Talk of many authors, many books sold in just a few hours. So Joanna and I climbed into their rental car and made the 400 mile trip to PA.

The next day a volunteer, Joyce Tremel (whose mystery is with an agent, fingers crossed for her), picked me up at my hotel and we drove through the rain-slicked streets of Pittsburgh to get to the first event, a tea thrown by the libraries of Alleghany county. We mingled with the librarians and locals, some book club members, some Friends of the Library and I introduced myself to authors I’d missed at Malice.

From there it was on to the Greek Church Hall for the main event. There was a line of people outside. Did I mention it was raining? I learned later that they’d come from all over and started lining up hours earlier.

We entered through the kitchen, glamorous as always. I found my name on a table piled high with my books. Right next to Elaine Viets and Heather Webber to one side and Heather Terrell and Marcia Talley to my right.

The doors opened and the place was packed. Readers, armed with their lists, gathered up books from their favorites. My books were new to them but many were willing to take a chance on a new author. I got the feeling that they’d discovered many wonderful authors at this event, and so were open to try new series.

After the first hour, Richard Goldman interviewed the authors on a little stage in another part of the hall. The audience, sated from their book buying frenzy, sat in rapt attention. He was a gracious host, as was Mary Alice Gorman. The event lasted four hours with all the authors being introduced and fans lingering even as clean up (by a crack team of volunteers) began. Afterwards, it was back to the bookstore for pizza and down time.

According to their email, over eighteen hundred books were sold, a 15% increase over last year. 8 books a minute!

What a wonderful event for both readers and writers! I enjoyed every minute of it. I hope Richard and Mary Alice continue doing this. One way to ensure this is to support them and other independent book stores. You can order directly from them at www.mysterylovers.com. I’m going to buy some of the books I saw last Monday night.