Saturday, August 4, 2007

Bad Relationships


My main character, Duffy Dombrowski, doesn’t have good luck with relationships. It’s not that he never has a girlfriend-- it’s that something just always goes wrong.

I’m a trained therapist who has been around that crap long enough to be at least partially fucked up for life.

Here is my answer to Dr. Phil, Oprah, Dr. Joy…and for that matter the People’s Court, Cheaters and Cops on identifying trouble spots in relationships.

1. If your girlfriend or boyfriend use the following words “issues, space, communication or intimacy” more than twice a year—run.
2. When you’re on a first date and he/she says “Well, my therapist says…” ask for the check.
3. The first time he/she complains about having to go to probation that’s a bad sign.
4. When he/she starts to wonder if they’re gay—not that there’s anything wrong with that—as loving and caring as you are, realize that that fact might be a stumbling block in your relationship.
5. When he/she says that football/boxing/sports in general or the Sopranos are just activities designed to avoid intimacy that’s not a good sign.
6. If he/she is over 20 years old and blames their parents for their failure to be gainfully employed, have the ability to get out of bed before 11 am on any given day or have regular bowel movements you might be headed for a high maintenance relationship.
7. They can be vegan, macrobiotic, lactose intolerant, gluten allergic, bulimic, have Irritable bowel syndrome, carpal tunnel or fibromyalgia…but they can’t have all of them.
8. More than two memberships in organizations that end in “Anonymous” maybe a sign of some trouble.
9. This might just be me but if they have really, really ugly toes—tufts of hair, crooked or long enough to throw a split finger curve—and they insist on wearing open toed sandals or Teva’s that’s a deal killer.
10. More than eight animals—no wait (I’m counting)—make that ten animals as pets is a little weird.
11. If when they sustain an injury and they choose Reiki, kinesiology or acupuncture instead of the emergency room slow things down a bit.
12. The first time they say “I don’t have cable.” Think things over.
13. If they get really over excited on American idol night—or if they know all the contestants and their hometowns keep it light.
14. If the monthly pornography bill is half the mortgage be worried. Hold it—make that the whole mortgage.
15. If they are obsessed with blogging and put a lot of trust in lists then you’re in big trouble.


Bill Cameron said...

I have cable, but I can quit anytime I want. Where does that put me? Should my wife be worried?

Joe Moore said...

"10. More than eight animals—no wait (I’m counting)—make that ten animals as pets is a little weird." Tom, do fish count? :-)

Bill Cameron said...

Who can count fish? They never stop moving. Makes my brain hurt!

Joe Moore said...

Bill, I numbered each one with a Magic Marker. Dah!

Mark Combes said...

As the great philosopher Jimmy Buffett sings, "Relationships. We all want 'em. We all got 'em. Now what do we do with 'em?"

Felicia Donovan said...

And if they say they're a writer?

Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

If I wax the hair off my toes, then we just might be soul mates, Tom.

But wait, I have a brother named Tom and a nephew named Tom, so that kind of bumps you off MY list.