Friday, August 31, 2007

Reasons to Hate the Red Sox

by Tom Schreck

My book, "On the Ropes, A Duffy Dombrowski Mystery" is now out and in stores. It takes place in and around New York City.

My main character is a not-so-social worker who moonlights as a bad professional boxer. When one of his crack addicted schizophrenic clients gets murdered he decides to find out why and it leads him into a world of internet porn and terrorism.

And then there are the Red Sox fans.

As heinous as internet porn and terrorism are they don't come close to Red Sox fans. Fortunately for me the Yankees have just swept the latest three game series. Unfortunately for me I have to spend the weekend in Cape Cod where I will be surrounded by these intolerable people.

The various shrinks I've seen over the years have told me that when something upsets me I should write it down and some how expunge it from gunking up my mental and emotional processes. I doubt this will work but I want to be a good patient.

Anyway, here goes--The top ten reasons I hate the Red Sox and their fans:

1. Their smelly old minor league stadium that they try to pass off as nostalgic

2. They all talk funny

3. The fact that they think its cool that Jimmy Fallon made a movie about them.

4. They forget that that pathetic Carlton Fisk motioning for his home run to stay fair--one of their most dramatic historic moments---happened in a year where they didn't win the world series.

5. That Ted Williams--the guy they say was the greatest hitter in history--batted something like .205 in the post season.

6. The annoying way they all sing "Sweet Caroline" at the stadium and think its cool instead of something they should be embarrassed about.

7. The way they ran Buckner out of town and blamed him for blowing the series forgetting they went on to lose game seven the next night against the Mets.

8. The way they rationalized a thirty-something Pedro Martinez throwing a seventy-something Don Zimmer to the ground.

9. They were the last team in baseball to integrate.

10. Half their team looks like the frat boys at the equally despicable Boston College (did I mention I went to Notre Dame?)

Sorry--Ten isn't going to be enough.

11. Schilling’s allegedly bloody socks

12. This whole "curse is over" and "my useless Boston life now has meaning"--as if one win in 86 years is something to be proud of. See you in 2090!

The shrinks lied.

I don't feel any better.

And I still have to drive to Cape Cod.


Mark Terry said...

I still the Detroit Tigers are going to be in this year's series. And they're going to win this year.

Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

Wow, Tom, I was born in Massachusetts and even though I don't enjoy baseball at all, I would never have had the guts to say what you just said. (And I'm a pretty gutsy gal.) Many in my family are die-hard Red Sox maniacs. For example, when my niece got married a few years ago, I read a piece at the wedding called How Marriage is Like Baseball.

Since I will be in Mass for a week beginning tomorrow, I'm trying to come up with a couple of good sidestepping fibs to counter their comments about this blog (and yes, some of them read it).

How's this:

"Yes, I know Tom Schreck, but I don't REALLY know him."

"Yes, I own Tom Schreck's book, but it's only because I needed a doorstop."

"Yes, Tom Schreck is with my publisher. Isn't it nice that they give opportunties to authors with "special needs?"

Hey, Tom, why don't you stop by at one of my book signings in Mass next week. I'd love to feed (ahem) introduce you to the crowd.

Lindsay said...

Wow! When Aunt Sue told me to check out the blog today for some Sox smack talk, I had no idea that I'd have such nonsense to deal with.

I can't believe anyone would ever trash Fenway Pahk (HAIL THE SACRED GROUND AND GREEN MONSTAH!), Ted Williams (RIP Teddy Ballgame), Schilling's sock (I saw it for myself at the Hall of Fame) and Sweet Caroline (SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!). You're just lucky you didn't trash Varitek - that might have gotten ugly - very ugly.

Watch out when you're at the Cape. We smell Sox-haters like bees smell fear! ;-)

And by the way - we don't all talk funny.
Have a wicked pissah time down the Cape and don't forget to have a bowl of clam chowda while you're at it!

Check it out - no way you could say it's smelly. It's classic, beautiful and it's ours! :-)

Bill Cameron said...

The first live baseball game I ever saw was in Fenway. Cleveland vs. Red Sox. Freddie Lynn's rookie year. Yaz hit a home run. Carlton Fisk behind the plate.

Sox won, 4-2.

It was a marvelous experience, and I will always have a warm place in my heart for that night.

That said, these days I guarantee you don't want to get me started on my "Professional sports is a destructive force in contemporary culture" lecture.

Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

One more thought... the child in the photo... his parents must be so proud.

Keith Raffel said...

Tom, you root for the Yankees? You probably rooted for the Cornwallis Redcoats over the Washington Continentals in the 1770's, too.

Felicia Donovan said...

For once, I'm speechless. Okay, not completely speechless, just mouth-dropping, "did he just really say that?" speechless. Twenty-five years of living in New England and I had no idea we talked funny. Go figure.

Thank heavens Sue Ann is from Mass. (that's Massachusetts for you, Tom), because we're planning on meeting up this weekend and at least I'll be able to understand what she's saying when she gets ovah the bordah to Bahns N Noble.

Kathryn Lilley said...

Hi Tom! I grew up (more or less) near Boston. Yet, I never felt the real gestalt of being a *Boston* native until the day I attended my first Red Sox game. I remember sitting in the box seats, eating peanuts and watching Carl Yaztremski (spelling?)screaming at an umpire over a play. I loved it!

spyscribbler said...

Holy crap, that's a picture.

DeesKnees said...

This is coming from a guy who started out life as a Mets Fan and then became a Yankee fan only recently?

You can diss Schilling. But you can't diss Teddy Ballgame. Nope. Sorry.

This issue is comes down to a very simple concept:

--The Yankees are evil--
--The Red Sox are good--

Good will always prevail no matter how many god damn titles you have.


Tom Schreck said...

Teddy Ballgame batted .200 in his 25 playoff at bats...


Anonymous said...

You said the Red Sox would not win
the World Series again until 2090.
Would you care to revise that?

Anonymous said...

We will take it any day of the week.


Anonymous said...

lolol eat your words 2090

tim said...

How pathetic is a team whose ENTIRE identity is based on their hatred of another team. Take the Red Sox out the AL East and they are no different than the Milwaukee Brewers or Cincinnati Reds. Take the Yankees out of the AL East and they are still the most storied, successful and recognizable team in all of sports.

tim said...

Good vs Evil? Please! Only ONE player on the 2004 team was a producto the Red Sox farm system (Trot Nixon). Their payroll last year was $165 million, second only to the Yankees. As "simple as good vs evil"? Please! That's just simple marketing. The truth is the Red Sox are no different than the Yankees, only they are 300 miles away in a city that like it's team has an inferiority complex.