Inception of a Blog

by Jennifer Harlow

I have my own weekly blog Tales From the Darkside that I write. That’s four blogs a month. That’s a lot considering I spend the majority of my time alone in a room not interacting with the world at large. Not much material staring at my walls. So, where do I come up with my ideas? Here is an example.  Note: mild The Avengers spoilers and adult(ish) content. This blog has been rated PG-13. You have been warned.

Setting: A rare dinner where every Harlow member DAD, MOM, RYAN, LIAM, TREVOR, and MOI are seated around the table enjoying ribs. This conversation picks up about half-way through dinner. Let's enjoy this program, already in progress...

MOI: So, I do any of you have any suggestions for blog posts? I'm coming up empty.

TREV: You should write one about how awesome John and I are at League [of Legends]. We've been playing for like twelve hours and we've almost destroyed the turret.

MOI: Yeah, no. 

LIAM: You should write about The Avengers.

MOI: Yeah, because every other blogger and their mother hasn't already done it and probably better than I could.

LIAM: If you want more people to read it, you need to write about popular topics, not just stories about your stupid cat.

MOI: Have you ever read my blog? I barely write about the cat.

LIAM: I...

RYAN: No one reads your stupid blog. 

MOI: Gee, thanks Ry. Love you too.

MOM: I know what you should write about. You should write about the actor who played Loki. He was my favorite. He had so much...depth.

MOI: [raising an eyebrow] You do realize that that was like the fourth time you've brought up that Loki dude in the past two days. Like every time we even mention The Avengers immediately you pipe up with how cute and awesome whats-his-face is.

MOM: I do not!

DAD: Pass the rice please.

TREV: You totally do.

LIAM: Yeah, I think Mom's on a one-way train to Cougartown with Loki.

MOI: It is very "in" right now. 

MOM: I just thought he was perfect in the role is all.

RYAN: You know what you should write about, Jen. How hot Scarlett Johannson's butt was in that movie.

LIAM: Yeah!

TREV: Totally.

RYAN: I'd read it then.

DAD: Can I have the butter?

MOI: Here, Dad. [to boys] Two reasons that's not happening. 1) I'm a straight female, I barely noticed her butt. 2) I don't talk about butts. Period. I'm a lady.

LIAM: Oh, like you haven't talked about Jeremy Renner's butt on multiple occasions.

MOI: [silence; then] I haven't...recently. Shut up. No, no talk of movie star butts. 

RYAN: Scarett's butt deserves its own post at the very least.

MOI: Whatever. And I'm sorry? All you took away from her character was that she has a great butt? How about how she used her brain to get information out of men. Or how she held her own against every man and alien thrown against her.

LIAM: That stuff was kind of overshadowed by her awesome butt, sorry.

TREV: Yeah, and like you were drooling over Jeremey Renner for his mind.

MOI: I was!

LIAM: And his butt.

MOI: Shut up.

DAD: Pass the rolls, please.

MOM: I know what you should write about, Jen.

TREV: Loki's butt?

MOM: [shooting her youngest a look] You should write about Joss Whedon. How important he's been to pop culture.

MOI: I really don't know what to say that hasn't been said. The man is a pop culture God, end of story. I probably wouldn't have a career without Buffy or Firefly.

TREV: And didn't he show Nathan Fillion's butt in that one episode? Know how important that episode was to you.

MOI: Oh my God! Can we please, for the love of God, stop talking about butts!

RYAN: [standing up] Great dinner, Mom. I gotta take a massive poop now though.

LIAM: [standing too] I know, dude. I'm prairie dogging it right now.   

MOI: Jesus Christ! Can we go one dinner without poo being mentioned?

TREV: [standing] If we did, no one would recognize us. Gotta go destroy that turret.

MOM: [standing as well] You'll think of something for your blog, Jen.

MOI: [to self] Yeah, so far the topic could be The Avengers, Joss Whedon's awesomeness, Mom's trip to Cougartown, Scarlett Johannson's butt, Jeremy Renner's butt, Nathan Fillion's butt, or how at every dinner fecal matter is addressed. Great. They're gonna get cat videos tomorrow.

DAD: [standing] Or...you can write about them all.

MOI: Who'd believe this conversation ever took place?

DAD: Anyone's whose ever had dinner with us.

Which is why so few people come to supper with The Harlows. At least I got a blog out of it. Tune in next time for cat videos!

I'ma Gonna Be on the Tee-Vee!

I don't like being in the spotlight. I don't like drawing attention to myself, talking about myself, and especially hate praising myself. I learned through the years that fading into the background is far better than having people watching or actually caring about what you're doing. That way they leave you alone so you can do whatever you want with limited judgement or disapproval. So when I had to begin promoting my book, and essentially myself, it was difficult. If you hadn't guessed when I do talk I am pretty outspoken. I tell the truth, hopefully with a side dish of humor and love, like putting arsenic in the sugar. Goes down better that way. So when I was asked to go on television to promote my book my first reaction was hell to the no. I don't even like people taking my picture (I swear I'm much prettier in person and don't have twelve chins) let alone being seen my potentially tens of thousands of people. But I know a good opportunity when it's presented and couldn't turn it down. (Money trumps vanity every time.)

I had to wake up at four AM to do my hair, make-up, descale my back and claws to be even close to camera ready. I left the house around six to make the two hour drive. By the time I hauled my already weary, badly in need of a touch-up in every department body to the studio I was ready to go home. But no, I had five minutes to sell the hell out of my baby and promote the signing the next day. As I walked in a million concerns flew through my mind. What if I get tongue tied? What if I can't remember what F.R.E.A.K.S. stands for? What if I fart? What if I cuss? What if I scare small children with my twelve chins? It's me. Something is bound to go wrong. But I walked in with my head held high and kept a smile on my face the whole time.

I also didn't know what to expect regarding the studio either. Would it be like CNN with people running all over? Would I get to be in the green room? No, and no. Once again Hollywood has lied. I was ushered from a tiny reception area to a bench. A bench. A few of the other guests of "Virginia This Morning" had already assembeled including the "pie ladies" with one of their adorable daughters dressed as Yankee Doodle Dandy to act as Vanna White during their demonstration, and real life ghost hunters the Richmond Investigators of the Paranormal. Those boys and I had an interesting conversation about ghosts. (Yes I am a believer). One even did a mock interview with me to prepare as they had been interviewed several times before though the years. (They even wanted my picture. Such sweet guys).

Finally it was time to go into the studio. Once again nothing like the movies. It was the size of my living room with three sets: a basic news desk with teleprompter for one, two chairs and a coffee table with a giant TV behind, and the weather station which was a desk with a green screen behind. I sat off to the side while the local Alice Cooper cover band, got ready in the corner. I was on after them.

I took my seat. I recited Federal Response to Extra-Sensory and Kindred Supernaturals a dozen times in my head. I prayed no farts or swear words would be uttered. Then the interview began and I WAS ON. All my years in drama class paid off. A switch was flicked and I went from the exhausted Quasimodo to the articulate, funny, smart girl who I let out only on special occasions. The five minutes flew by and I even remembered what F.R.E.A.K.S. stood for. Then I took off my mike and walked out the back. I don't know if I sold any books, but I sure do feel $%#@&^% good about myself. Though I do need to see someone about my chins.

To see my interview on "Virginia This Morning" go to my website www.jenniferharlowbooks.com. And if you're in the DC area this weekend come see me, Alan Orloff, and seventeen other mystery writers at the Sisters in Crime Mystery Author Extravaganza, East Columbia Library, 6600 Cradlerock Way, Columbia MD. Hope to see you there!

-TV Star Jennifer Harlow

Humorous Writing through the Ages, by Jess Lourey

I write a humorous mystery series based on the idea that a big city gal is trapped in a small town where a murder happens every month. Hahahaha! See? It’s funny. I’ve also just begun work on a young adult novel with a three-book arc. My desire to write it arose mainly out of the fact that I want a forever snapshot of this period in my kids’ lives (they’re 11 and 8), along with a mash-up of ideas percolated by reading The Magic Treehouse series, Inkheart, and three of the Percy Jackson books with my children.

Without giving too much away, my modern YA novel idea requires me to read and research a lot of 1800s-era novels, starting with HG Wells’ The Time Machine and Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities. We’re all familiar with the plot of Wells’ novella, and I can unconditionally recommend it as a fun, short, and creepy summer read. A Tale of Two Cities was a reread for me, but I loved it in high school and appreciate it even more now. And in reading these books, I found something amazing: the authors are funny. Dickens in particular is so dryly humorous that he actually makes me giggle while reading about the French Revolution. And in researching Wells and Dickens, I find that they were both progressive, intelligent, politically-active human beings who believed and worked hard for basic and universal human rights.

Maybe this is a newsflash to only me. (If so, thanks for keeping the eye rolling to a dull roar.) Anyhow, my first thought upon discovering this was, “I wonder how many other authors in the canon were politically active and progressive, and what does this say about the mind and personality of a successful writer as a whole?” That was just a passing thought, though. Mostly, I’m happy that that there is an established history of nuanced, funny writing that not only entertains but can change the world.

What other bright and funny classic authors am I missing? I’m specifically looking for novels written in the 1800s by humanists, and I should warn you that I couldn’t get farther than the second paragraph of The Last of the Mohicans.