Blurb It Forward, by Jess Lourey

I have a question of much urgency: if you are an author, what is your policy on writing blurbs for other authors? If you are a reader, how much credibility do you give book cover blurbs? If you are an ethicist, what is your stand on being nice over being honest?

Here’s why I ask: just this week, I’ve been asked to blurb three books by first-time authors, all three published by small regional presses. I’ve been in their shoes, not knowing anyone in the business, needing that snippet of praise to put on the cover of May Day in 2005 so it didn’t look like the self-published loner in the corner. And you know what? I found out that the mystery community is incredibly supportive. Some of my favorite authors agreed to blurb me, an unknown writer, and thanks to their kindness to a stranger, I was able to break into the business with a fighting chance. I’d like to pay that forward, and as such, I’ve blurbed every booked that I’ve been asked to since then. Some were very good and some were just okay, but I could find something honestly nice to say about all of them.

But this time is different. One of the books I’ve just been asked to blurb is bad. Truly, irredeemably awful. In the off-chance that the gentleman reads this blog, I won’t use any direct quotes, but here are representative lines taken from “The Top 15 Bad Romance Novel Opening Lines”:

“Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.”

“"The heaving waves on the vast, ink-black ocean sent a salty spray over the proud bow of the three-masted ship, leaving beads of water on the exposed alabaster skin above the bodice of the tall, raven-haired woman who stood sobbing on the deck, her salty tears mixing with the storm-tossed sea."

"Gentle cascades of vermilion poured over Daphne's heaving, lily-white bosom. 'Call 911, Scooby,' she breathed."

Yup. Throw in a lot of product placement (I counted three businesses mentioned on one page alone: Wal-Mart, Applebees, and Starbucks, as in the main character had to stop at all three and tell us what he bought/ate).

Besides weak (over)writing, frequent grammar and spelling errors (it is an ARC), this one book I’ve been asked to blurb lacks any plot. Supposedly a mystery, I was on page 172 of 212 before a dead body appeared. Most everything to that point was a summary of the backstory peppered with sex scenes too bad to read but not bad enough to be funny.

So what do I do now? This gentleman worked hard on this novel, I know he did. He is also kind, polite, and intelligent. With a good editor and more practice, I don’t see any reason why he can’t improve his craft. And you know what? My first novel sucked, too. It was so bad, in fact, that I never found a publisher for it (thought it was because I was ahead of my time; in retrospect, it was just a shitty book). I want to encourage his dream and his discipline, but I don’t want to mislead an innocent shopper into dropping $15 on this sad puppy. Oh, and he needs the blurb by Friday. Help me! (WWJPD?)

Education and Writing, by Jess Lourey

I have two semi-related issues to discuss with you. The first is the pronunciation of the word “ribald.” Kirkus Reviews wrote of October Fest, it’s “funny, ribald, and teeming with small-town eccentrics.” (They also wrote some crap about the plot falling apart toward the end, but I can’t really remember that part—I subscribe to the ellipses method for getting the stains out of book reviews.) I was pretty happy with that little blurb and told lots of people about it, including a critically-acclaimed author out in New York I was trying to impress. Here’s how my conversation with him went:

“Getting any reviews on your latest?”

“Yeah! Kirkus Reviews said October Fest is funny and ribald.”

Pause. “RYE-bald, hunh?”

“Yep!”

It was that pause that signaled to me my pronunciation was off. Honestly, it was the first time I’d ever said the word out loud. I got off the phone and hurried to my computer. Turns out it is really pronounced “ribbled,” like how a giggling frog feels. Really. Hear it here.

I got to thinking. I consider myself pretty smart. In fact, I am an English professor, and a well-larded vocabulary and a tight-lipped stare of derision are prereqs for the job. However, my book reviews have consistently shown me how little I know. I had to look up “surfeit” when a reviewer of May Day wrote that the protagonist has a “surfeit of sass.” Another reviewer called her “insouciant” in June Bug. Now, I don’t want to embarrass you, but did you know that word is pronounced “in-soo-si-ent” and not “insooshiant?”

What kind of world is it we live in that reviews of my own books go over my head?

And now that I’ve established my credibility as a teacher of the written word, I am asking for your input. I’m creating mystery curriculum on behalf of an MWA committee I’m on. My goal is to create six teaching modules: three on mystery-focused creative writing and three on mystery-focused literature/reading, each group divided by age lines (middle school, high school, and college). These modules will be available for any teacher to use, free, and will hopefully bring further legitimacy to the mystery genre as well as provide interested teachers a way to liven up their curriculum. What I’d like from you are suggestions as to the “best” mysteries out there. I’m looking for mostly dead authors so there is no favoritism, and as much gender variety and multiculturalism as possible. I could particularly use YA mystery suggestions. Within those guidelines, what should students be reading?

My New Website Is Live! by Jess Lourey

My last Inkspot post discussed my travails in creating a website and asked YOU for your input on a new one. Most of you agreed: author websites should be clean, uncluttered, without flashing and blinking, and easy to navigate. I took your input to heart, I hope. You can see my new site here.

Beth Tindall of Cincinnati Media did a brilliant job of making the site navigable and clean. Steve Tuytschaevers of PlanetMaker Design worked with her to craft the seasonal trees (Murder-by-MONTH mysteries, get it?) in the banner and the thriving secret garden walls of the side columns. Thank you both. I’m super happy with how it turned out!

Whee!

In honor of my new website, I’m listing some of my favorite online time-suckers below.

• Hyperbole and a Half. Sometimes crude, always funny mixture of adolescent artwork and simple stories. If you can get through her writing about moving cross country with her dogs, or her parents and tipsy aunts humoring her Christmas play without laughing tears, you’re made of concrete.
• Jezebel. A beautiful mix of politics, feminism, pop culture, and humor.
• Awkward Family Photos. Because we’ve all been there. Like literally. I think that might be me and my sister in that photo.
• The Nation. This is one of the few places I can still regularly find investigative journalism.
• The Onion. Because sometimes I need a break from investigative journalism.
• Awful Plastic Surgery. Because it’s rude to stare in person.
• Groupon. Are you kidding me? I’m stuck on this site and I haven’t even bought anything from it yet. The old grandma in me loves to vicariously save money. And shake her fist at kids.
• Preditors and Editors. Thanks to Barbara Moore, I don't need to visit this site very often anymore, but it's an excellent resource for writers searching for an agent/publisher, despite the cacophonous colors and formatting.
  

Where’s your favorite place to waste time online?

What’s in a website? Would that with which an author advertises smell as sweet in any other format?

Yes, I’m updating my website. It’s not something I like to spend money on, and the promotional part of this writing business has never fit me well, but it’s time. If you visit Wayback Machine, you will discover that my first website (2006) looked like this:

No, that’s not Dorothy Hamill, and yes, I tried to make my website mirror Carl Hiaasen’s (he’s since updated his). I figured, at the time, that it was the “funny author” prototype website. Probably you’re thinking that’s odd because it has a leafy morgue feel, overall. A leafy morgue with Dorothy Hamill as the mortician. Don’t judge me.

Looking for something brighter, I updated to this website in 2007:

I take full credit (blame) for the above layout. I wanted a strong feminist feel (note the “woman” symbol as page divider), and I also wanted to convey that I intended to write across genres (the feminist stick lady wears a different hat on every page; I know--subtle like an axe). Seven mystery novels later, I chalk up my cross-genre dreams to the same delusional tendency that has me hang on to those size 5 Levis that will fit if I ever find a time machine or am lucky enough to lick a tapeworm.

Last year, in honor of my first three novels being reissued with new covers, I had my boyfriend, who is a wonderful graphic designer (but, it turns out, allergic to Dreamweaver), create this site, my third update:

I love his design. However, because the web software ended up handing him his own ass (let the records indicate that he fought the good fight), the site is really just a bunch of photos of pages rather than a true website. That means I can’t update ANYTHING, from my author info to my books to my events page. Bring on Beth Tindall, website designer extraordinaire, mystery fan, and Most Reasonable Woman I Know. She’s going to work with Steve to make me an uber-site, completely focused on the Murder-by-Month series, and dynamic. The new site’s go live date is March 1.

Which brings me to my question for you: what IS in a website? In other words, what do you like about the websites you like? What brings you back? What’s your favorite feature on your site (include a link so we can see what you mean) or what author site is your favorite (also include a link)? Join the conversation, and help me! Please. You see what I’m capable of when left to my own devices. Without your help, this could be my future:

Misunderestimating, by Jess Lourey

I was recently reminiscing with a friend about a gentleman we both worked for. He has since risen very high in the world and is now the commanding general of the ROTC for the state he lives in. At the time we worked for him, he was just our boss who had a bad habit of assuming everyone saw the world the same way he did. My favorite illustration of that was relayed to me by Catherine, who speaks Spanish and went on a church trip to Mexico with him as his translator. On their third day, the two of them presented to 60 teenaged girls who wanted to learn about volunteer opportunities in the U.S. My boss, thinking to set them at ease, told them he was happy to be there. They received this well. He told a couple jokes,which Catherine translated, and the whole audience erupted in laughter and applause. Encouraged and possibly suffering from jet lag, he next told them that they were foxes. My friend Catherine slid him a look, but he was too caught up in the positive energy, so she shrugged and translated, "he thinks you are small furry rodents.” The 17 year-olds are all WTF? as he is leering appreciatively at them, and he moves on from there, having completely lost his audience.

Language barriers (and lack of personal filters) can cause a lot of misunderstandings. For example, there is the “Ladies are requested not to have children in the drinking lounge” in a Norwegian bar, or “Drop your trousers here” at a Bangkok dry cleaner. In writing fiction, though, misunderstandings are more subtle, as I’m reminded every time I get my manuscript back from my fabulous friends and family who edit for me. Sections I thought were funny are…not. I was also advised to remove “BFF” and “WTF” from my most recent manuscript by my mother, who said many people will not know what they mean. I had a horrible character say a horrible thing, and I was told by several people that the horrible thing was so offensive that it took their breath away, in a bad way. They said it was too jarring for a humorous mystery.

I listen to everything they say and play it against my internal rubric. I know, most of the time, what good writing looks like and what bad writing looks like. It’s just that when it’s my own, it’s hard to see the difference. Until someone points it out to me, that is. I end up making most of the changes recommended to me by editors because most of the time they’re right.

My question to you is, how do writers tell the difference between what must stay and what should go?